Mr. Willy Wonka
Office of Consumer Services
PO Box 2178
Wilkes-Barre, PA 18703
Dear Mr. Wonka,
I apologize for not having written to you sooner to express the sublime joy I have received while consuming your confections, particularly your Runts, through the years. I have been delinquent in my letter writing, but I have exuberantly and regularly purchased pounds upon pounds of your Runts.
Your Runts have, from a very early age, made an otherwise intolerable life, positively gleeful. When my stepmother would force me to eat cottage cheese, or vile potato salad that had been warmed by the sun, Runts were there to make it better. When I was reduced to beating my head against a table because I simply could not fathom a solution to an algebra problem, Runts were there. In college when Statistics and Research Methods turned me into a raving lunatic, when girls broke my heart, when family members died; Runts were there for me. When in graduate school and forced to learn Greek and Hebrew, it was not the faculty, or encouragement from friends that saw me through the challenge, it was Runts. When, during various parts of my life I have felt either homicidal or suicidal, your Runts have always been able to calm me and give me the fortitude to sally forth into this cold and miserable world full of sin and pain. Indeed it might be safe to say that Runts are, with their crispy, fruity deliciousness, at least partially responsible for the person I have become.
And so it was with great excitement and hopefulness that I made a discovery at a local convenience store earlier this evening. New flavors of runts! I immediately purchased a box and hurriedly sampled the new flavors. That is when my disappointment began. While I felt that the “pineapple” flavor was satisfactory, it certainly was not up to par with other Runts. I sampled the “Mango” flavor and was utterly dismayed. Not only did it bear little resemblance to a mango, with far too much citric acid flavor, but it was also almost unpleasant in my mouth. Having never wanted to spit out a Runt before, I did not exactly know how to proceed. But only when I returned home and examined the contents of the box more thoroughly was the crushing of my very soul complete. I made note with abject horror that these so-called “new flavors” were not simply new friends populating the here-to-for rapturous world of Runts, no, these were interlopers! These unworthy concoctions had not supplemented the Runts I have known and loved for most all my life, but they have supplanted and replaced not only blue-raspberry, and (of all things) cherry, but also my most beloved, watermelon.
Now I must assume that, as you are a good and kindhearted confectioner, that this has happened without your knowledge or consent. That these poor excuses for flavors have, of their own accord, somehow managed to weasel their way into your factory and tied up, or held at gunpoint, or in some other way incapacitated the other, more delicious flavors. I therefore endeavor to bring this miscarriage of justice your attention and beg, no demand, kind sir, that you investigate and put a stop to this pineapple/mango insurrection immediately. Return to us the peace and prosperity that we all once enjoyed in the rapturous world of Runts. Do we not owe them so much more?
Yours in Christ,
The Rev. Steven T. Andersen