OK – So when I first looked at the parsonage there was this - …. – lets call it carpet for lack of a better term – in the downstairs. It had previously been a nice, thick, sculptured marbled orange shag. Previously. During the Nixon administration. By the time I saw it, it was beige, mostly, and right out of a Jeff Foxworthy routine. The most unbelievable part however, is that when the church recently paid to replace the linoleum in the kitchen, because the old stuff had several cuts in it, they asked the guy who came out to bid on the job about the afore mentioned “carpet†as well. The guy said – and I swear I am not making this up – “Oh – that carpet is in fine shape – it just needs to be shampooed.†The guy is obviously a crack flooring salesman. Yup – the spots where the sun has faded out the color – the places where it has been trampled down in high traffic areas – the HORRIFICALLY out of date sculptured style … that will all be taken care of with a good shampooing. “Yes friends, you will be amazed at the power of our fine line of restorative carpet shampoos…” YIKES. When I asked people how old the carpet was – no one could remember exactly… the closest I ever got was “Well lets see… we put that carpet in when Pastor Soandso came… and he left in ’72…†But it just needed a good cleaning.
So obviously I told folks that this was not acceptable – and with surprisingly little arm twisting (I think they like me - and they realized that the carpet was – ahem – past it’s prime – which is why they asked the guy about replacing it) I was able to get them to rip it out. Part of the arm twisting was that this house was built in 1920 and there is hardwood under the carpet. That is right – hardwood. Beautiful hardwood. Covered by NASTY carpeting. The hardwood required refinishing, and having a 30 years supply of “carpet fresh†vacuumed off of it (I wish I was kidding) but it looks BEAUTIFUL. Way better than tan / orange sculptured shag.
OK – so I have this hardwood – and I am DELIGHTED about it. But the thing about hardwood is that it has to be swept / vacuumed EVERY bleeding day. If you fail to sweep / vacuum then you will get to walk around on every bit of cat litter, bread crumb, bit of fur, stray bit of popcorn, and general smutz that falls on your floor. If you have never had hardwood floors you would not believe how mangy they get, or how quickly they get that way. It boggles the mind.
Now – those of you who know me, know that like most Americans I am not an enthusiastic house keeper. I just am not. But still - Sandy and I are left to sweep / vacuum the downstairs every day. Or walk on smutz.
Yah – like that is going to happen.
Thankfully however, this IS America, I was not the only one to watch “the Jetsons†as a kid, and we CAN get robots to do our bidding. That’s right friends – Roomba.
I had seen refurb Roomba Reds at Kohls for $85.00 for Christmas – but I was unemployed then I and I was able to guilt myself into thinking that I should just be less lazy and push around an antique upright vacuum. Note: I never was able to guilt myself into actually pushing the vacuum around. So I didn’t get one then – but I have now.
I looked online – to decide which one I needed / wanted and to find good prices… and let me just say that he Roomba website is useless when it comes to product comparisons. I spent hours trying to figure out why the $350 Roomba – “whatever it is” was more than twice as good as the $140 Roomba Red. In the end the only functional difference I could find is that the higher end models come with a $50 charger that I have little use for, and a variety of other bits and bobbles I have 0 use for. So red it is.
So now I have a Roomba Red named Fred. I am not completely comfortable being one of those people that names inanimate objects, but seeing as Fred is animatronic, I am willing to make an exception. That and he does a fine, fine job picking up all of the things my cats, and wife, and I seem to drop on a regular basis. And here is what I have found: you can spend $350 on a vacuuming robot – but all you need is Red, All you need is Red, All you need is Red, Red, Red; Red is all you need. With my apologies to the Beetles.
I put him down, I push a button, I walk away and come back with clean floors. Even I can do that – without a guilt-trip even. All I have to do is some very easy / quick / light maintenance (mostly removing hair that gets stuck in his spinning brushes) empty his basket, and plug him in when he is done cleaning and all is well in the realm. And my feet remain kitty-litter free, which is always a good thing.
I’m too sexy for my robot. Too sexy for my robot. No way I’m vacuuming my floor.